1

“What’s wrong with you?!?” the man yells.

   I can hardly think. My heart beats so hard against my ribs, like it’s trying to get out. Breathe. Don’t forget to breathe.

   Okay. Now I can think. What just happened? I’m on the road. Sitting, though. I’m panicking, just a bit. What’s the point? I’m panicking more than a bit. I think I was nearly hit by a car, for crying out loud!

   I realise I haven’t answered the man yet.

   “I’m sorry, I’m usually really careful. I don’t what happened…”

   “Are you okay?” the man says, slightly calmer now.

   I nod. “Yeah, I think so.”

   I put my head between my knees as I’ve heard that’s what you’re meant to do when you feel sick. I feel a sick, anxious feeling at the bottom of my stomach. Butterflies.

   “You need me to call someone?”

   “No…no thanks. I’ll just…go to school.”

   The man frowns. “Are you sure? I could call your parents.”

   “No!” I practically shout. “Sorry. I just don’t want to scare them.”

   Mum is so paranoid. You can’t do anything – I mean, anything – without her stressing for hours about it. And Dad doesn’t know how to calm her down.

   “If you’re sure…” The man stares at me warily. Probably trying to suss out whether I’m going to faint or something. “You going to school?”

   “Yes.”

   “Mmm. What school?”

   “Sacred Heart…why?” I shouldn’t’ve told him. (You can see Mum’s paranoia rubbing off on me!)

   “I’m going to call them later to check you get there all right.”

   I smile. “Okay. But I’m off on a school trip to Chislehurst Caves.”

   “So? They’ll still mark you in.”

   “Oh, yeah.”

   “Take care crossing roads, kid.”

   “Yes. Thanks.”

2

As soon as I’ve registered with Mrs MacCodrum, I get into the coach and slide into the seat Mally saved for me.

   “This is going to be wicked,” Mally grins. “Kim went last year; she said it’s great fun. The guide takes all the torches in at one point and there’s this really loud noise…”

   Great. I just love the dark, and things happening when you can’t see them. My idea of pure bliss.

   “…oh, and why are you so late? We’ve been waiting, like, forever for you, Adam, Leah, Jake and Lucas.”

   “Well, I left early enough. But, y’know, it was drizzling and I guess I forgot to look both ways when I was crossing.”

   “You? But you’re the girl who looks, like, ten ways before crossing!”

   If there was any point, I’d refuse to carry on. I hate it when people interrupt me. But it’s just not worth it. It won’t affect Mally because she just doesn’t care. She’ll move onto a new topic, and you’ll get sucked into the conversation.

   Instead, I pull a face. “Yeah, whatever. So this car came along and almost hit me. Just missed. So after that I walked real slow and careful.”

   Mrs MacCodrum steps up into our view.

   “Quiet now children. Now that we’re all here, I’d like to thank Mr Gerty for arranging this trip again. He does it every year, so we have a lot to thank him for. However, I’d like to remind you how hard it is for just 5 adults to look after 30 kids. We will need your cooperation…”

   I sort of go to sleep until Mrs MacCodrum invites Mr Gerty up to talk. He’s usually good for a laugh.

   “Thanks, Mrs MacCodrum. Well, kids, I’d just like to say it’s a pleasure to take you all on this trip. However, I think you ought to know that these caves we’re visiting, well, they’re supposed to be haunted…So I’d keep my eyes peeled for ghosts!”

   Perfect. Strange noises and ghosts in pitch blackness. As I said earlier, perfect bliss. Not.

3

 “I’d like you all in pairs please! That’s right, in pairs. C’mon now, quickly. Stick together and follow me. If you get lost, you’ll never find your way out again, and it could take us months to find you.”

   Why did the teachers pick caves of all places to go on a school trip? What about the claustrophic and the scared of the dark?

   Mally grabs my arm. “Us, yeah?” she whispers.

   I nod, lips pressed tightly together. “Yes.”

   We follow the guide in our pairs, our journey taking us past a small table filled with torches. Everyone is instructed to take one torch and enter the caves. We enter a narrow stone corridor which leads off into a cavern with 2 bunk beds, an armchair and some plastic mannequins.

   “Chislehurst Caves were partially man-made, dating right back to the Celts and the Picts. In the Second World War, they were used as shelters from air-raids. You could pay a fee…”

   The nightmare begins.

4

We hand over our torches pretty reluctantly. The guide grins at us.

   “Don’t worry; you’ll get them back later on.”

   I know what to expect. Mally’s sister Kim told us all about the noises the guide makes to scare you. But I’m still getting that heavy sensation in my stomach.

   Mally clutches my arm tightly, giggling. “I hate the dark,” she whispers.

   Not really, she doesn’t. Not like me. I can feel the darkness closing in on me, suffocating me. I can’t see what’s happening. There could be a murderer standing behind me and I wouldn’t know. I close my eyes to escape the darkness but it doesn’t work. The darkness is still there. It always is. When you blink. When you sleep.

  There’s a crash, a scream. My eyes try to fly open, but they can’t. I’m so still, afraid to move. Breathe, Eilla. Remember to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In, out, in, out, inoutinout. Not so fast, Eilla. Calm down. Don’t panic. Don’t. Panic.

5

Mally hands are pinching so hard, and then all of a sudden they’re gone. I ease my eyes open. It’s still so dark.

   I feel someone push a torch into my hands, and go for the switch. There. I flick it, and a beam of light shoots out. I shine it round me. There’s no one here.

   I begin to panic again. No. I won’t let myself.

   A deep breath in. “Very funny, guys.”

   Silence. I hate the silence. It makes me feel so alone.

   “Guys, you can come out now.”

   Oh, come on, it’s not even funny. Why don’t they come out?

   “I admit it, I’m scared.” I look round nervously. Come on!

   And then it dawns on me. They’re not coming out. They’re…gone.

6

I don’t know if I should stay or go. The guide said it was so easy to get lost. If I stay here, the guide might come across me on my next tour. But it’s a week day, and the next tour isn’t till tomorrow. It’s only about noon now. I can’t stay here the night. What about that story the guide told us? On our way to this cavern we passed a sort of pool.

   “Ah, this is a ghost hot-spot,” said the guide knowingly.

   The boys all leaned in to hear better, naturally.

   “Basically, a young woman was sacrificed here by Celtic druids. And in the 1990s, a pair of men decided to stay here the night for a bet. One fell asleep. The other heard strange screams in the night. He stood up and tried to run away from the noises he was hearing, but ran straight into a wall. He was knocked out for the rest of the night. The first, however, was found with his arm ripped out of its socket. When asked about it he couldn’t remember a thing.”

   I don’t want either of those things to happen to me. I mean, I wouldn’t mind being asleep right through everything, but the fear that would inhabit me beforehand…it would be unbearable.

   I am not a superhero. I cannot bear the unbearable.

   I curl up, clutching my lit torch like a teddy.

7

“Eilla? Eilla!”

   I sit up.

   “Mally, is that you?” I whisper, hoping it’s not a dream. Because I fell asleep, against the odds.

   “No, it’s Adam. I’ve been looking everywhere for you guys. I blacked out and when I came to everyone had left. Just abandoned me,” he says sourly. “I didn’t have a torch or anything.”

   “That’s weird. They left me a torch.”

   “You’re lucky. Do you have a watch?”

   “No.”

   Adam sighs. “Shame. I wish they hadn’t confiscated our phones.”

   “There wouldn’t be any signal anyway. Adam, are you scared?”

   Adam hesitates. I can see him thinking hard. “Not really. I mean, I was a bit at first, but it’s all a joke, right? In an hour or two they’ll all get bored and come get us.”

   “Maybe. But let’s stay here, okay? This is where they left us. They’ll come back here.”

   “Nah. I’m going. I want to get out without their help, just to show them.” He grins.

   “I’m staying.”

   “Suit yourself. But I’m taking the torch.”

   He pulls it from my hands.

   “No! Don’t go! Please stay! I don’t want to be here on my own!” I shout, scrambling to my feet. “Please, Adam!”

   He laughs. “You can come or you can stay. The choice is yours.”

   I feel hot, unexpected tears force their way through my eyes and slide down my cheeks. “You can’t take my torch.”

   “Why? You scared of the dark? Well, I was stuck without a torch for God knows how long. It’s your turn.”

   “Please,” I whimper.

   “I’ll send them back for you when I get out of here. Then again, maybe I won’t.”

   He winks. I know that he will send them back if he gets out, but that’s not the point. He’s stealing my torch, that’s what matters!

   He runs away, gradually turning into a circle of light. Suddenly it seems to fall to the floor. Then it’s gone.

 

8

My back hurts, pressed against the cold stone wall like this. I don’t like it. I’ve been here for days now.

   Well, probably not, but that’s what it feels like. It’s at least an hour since Adam left with MY torch, and I’m scared, hungry and tired. I can’t get to sleep because my stomach is churning too much. Every time I start to drop of, I feel it…bubbly? I don’t know how to describe the feeling.

   And also, I keep hearing these whispers. Follow me, let me lead you on a dance, follow me, if you survive it’s just by chance. I don’t know if I’m imagining it or not. I can’t really be imagining it because I can’t rhyme to save my life. And I have a feeling someone’s going to have to save my life soon. Even if I don’t die I’m going to go insane.  

   “Mally, why did you let them all abandon me and Adam?” I whisper.

   “I didn’t!”

   “Mally! Mally, are you there?”

   “Yes. I thought everyone was gone.”

   It’s my imagination. Mally isn’t here. What a coincidence it would be…

   “Look, put out your hand. Hang on a sec…c’mon, now.”

   I reach out my hand tentatively and feel her sharp nose. I move my hand up to her eyes, just to be sure, and feel…ugh!!

   “Mally! What’s wrong with you? What is that?”

   I pull back my hand and shuffle back, pressing myself against the wall. My hand is all sticky.

   “Is it bleeding?”

   Oh. So she hasn’t mutated, then. Okay. That’s a good start.

   “What happened?”

   “I’m not too sure. I crashed into a wall. I don’t know. I can’t really remember. Eilla is that you?”

   “Of course it is, Mally. Can’t you recognise my voice?”

   “Sorry, I’m not sure who I’m speaking to. Can you take me home?”

   “Mally?”

   “I think I’m lost, Mrs MacCodrum. You and Mr Gerty promised you wouldn’t leave me here with strangers this time.”

   “Mally, what’s wrong with you?”

   “Oh, hello Eilla. Are you lost too?”

   “Mally, what the…?”

   Suddenly there are two spots of red, glowing in the dark. “Follow me, while you can. I’ll lead you, by the hand. If you come I’ll take you far. On your soul I’ll leave a scar. Three days you have to leave this place. After that you’ll lose your pace. If you want to see you family, it’s time to open your eyes and see.”

9

   “Mally, snap out of it!” I scream.

   My words echo eerily around the cavern.

   “Out of what?” Mally asks, normal again.

   “You were being all weird. You kept asking who I was, and talking to Mrs MacCodrum when she isn’t here, and reciting a poem.”

   Mally laughs. “I don’t know any poems. All I know is I said I didn’t abandon you, and then you said snap out of it.”

   “C’mon, funny joke. You were saying some sort of poem about scars and souls and following you.”

   “Laugh out loud,” Mally says dryly.

   “Seriously. First you were telling me how you hit your head, then –”

   “Hold it. I never hit my head.”

   “Yeah you did! I didn’t know if you were really there, or I was just imagining you, but you told me to reach out my hand and your forehead was all sticky with blood.”

   “Nuh-huh.”

   “It was! I don’t like it here, Mally, lets go.”

   “But this is where the others will come back for us!”

   “No, Mally, let’s go. Please!” I shout, tears pouring freely down my face.

   I don’t mind. If I concentrate on crying, I can’t panic. I don’t have to remind myself to breathe, it just comes. And I don’t have to slow the breaths down, either.

   “Fine. I’ll lead. Hold my hand and follow me. I don’t want you leading us into a wall, the state you’re in!” Mally laughs, trying to make a joke.

   Follow me, while you can. I’ll lead you, by the hand.

   “No! I lead!”

   “Why does it matter?”

   “Just – please. I have to lead. All the time.”

   I think Mally starts scowling. “Fine.”

   I sigh. The nightmare has just begun.

10

“Look, that’s the pool we passed on the way up,” I whisper to Mally. Is it me or is it glowing slightly?

   “Oh yeah!”

   “Can you remember what direction we turn to get here?” I say, looking at the fork. There are 2 stone corridors. One turns right sharply, the other left.

   “No.”

   “Oh well. Remember what turns we take, and we take the opposite ones back.”

   I lead Mally left, then right, trying to make a random route, so nothing can follow us. It won’t work I know, but I’m being paranoid. Stupid, probably. But Mally said all that stuff, I know she did. What if she’s turned into a…what’s it called again? Prophet. God, I hope not.

   We come to a dead end.

   “Okay, so that didn’t work,” I frown, pushing at the wall. “Can you remember the turns we took?”

   “What do you think?”

   “Snap. Let me think.”

   Mally finally snaps. “No! You’ve done all the thinking so far and look where it got us! To a dead end!”

   I take a deep breath. “If you could remember what you were saying, you could lead. But you keep forgetting.”

   “You’re so set on that, but what if I’m not forgetting? What if you’re just imagining.”

   “I’m not, Mally. I know what I heard, and that was you going all weird on me. So let’s turn round and find another way. And I’ll do the thinking.”

   We turn round. Walk about three steps. Right into a wall.

11

“What?” I gasp. “This can’t be…there wasn’t a wall here before.”

   Mally breathes out deeply. She walks round, her hand against the wall.

   “It’s like a cage made of stone,” she mutters. “No way in, no way out.”

   “What’s going on?” I wail.

   “I don’t know. You’re the big thinker round here.”

   My legs are too weak to hold me anymore. I fall to the ground, crying. “I’m so thirsty,” I say to Mally. “Maybe my tears…will make it…better.”

   Mally kneels down beside me. “I’m thirsty, hungry and scared too, Eilla! But we have to find a way out!”

   I look at her. And watch as she disappears.

 

12

I moan and close my eyes. Open them again. Close, open, close, open. Like a mantra.

   Follow me, follow me, follow me.

   That again, over and over. 

   “Fine!” I say hoarsely. “I’ll follow you. Just, who are you? I’ll let you lead me by the hand if you give me water.”

   There’s something pressing at me from all sides. I stand up, and use up the last of my strength to shout, “Who are you?”

   This space is getting tighter. Am I growing or is it shrinking? Abruptly, my head is touching the ceiling. What used to be a large, spacious cavern now seems to be the size of…

   …the size of a coffin.

   Go back to the pool, where the answer lies. The pool is an angel in heavy disguise. If you take the leap before it’s too late, then no longer in this gloom will you have to wait. But heed my warning because if you don’t, or simply, stubbornly, obstinately won’t, you’ll never escape this city of gloom, but be trapped for eternity in the dank, dark gloom.

13

I can breathe again. Oh, oh, oh. Sweet oxygen, so good to me. I’ve never appreciated you before. I will never again take you for granted, but instead will savour every last bit of you.

   My legs lead me aimlessly through a network of corridors. I find myself at the edge of the pool.

   Jump.

   What? No way. That pool is glowing green, and it looks really creepy with some smoke just wafting from it. Or steam. Or whatever you call that stuff.

   Jump.

   “I said no!”

   Jump and be free. Be free for all eternity.

   I swallow. What have I got to lose?

   I close my eyes. If I die…I guess I’ve only got myself to blame. Breathe in. Breathe out.

   I place half of my feet over the edge of the stone, holding them over the pool.

   Jump.

   “It’s hard,” I murmur, tears squeezing out. Surely there are none left by now?

   Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.

   I slide.

  

14

“Eilla?”

   I’m in that warm fuzzy place between being awake and being asleep. So relaxed, so happy.

   “I think she’s awake!”

   Oh, please be quiet, sweetly excited voice. I want to go back to sleep.

   “Eilla, wake up!”

   “Wah yoo wan?” I mumble sleepily.

   “Eilla!”

   “Excuse me Mrs Smythe. I need to check her over.”

   Someone shakes me gently.

   “Go way.”

   “Please open your eyes, Miss Smythe.”

   I force them open reluctantly. Definitely not a good idea! That’s blinding, that is!

   I don’t know where I am but it’s very, very white. It hurts my eyes.

   “Eilla, Eilla baby, you’re back!”

   Wait a minute…

   That’s my mum!

   “Mummy!” I squeal, sitting up. “Oh Mum, you found me!”

   “Yes, he called us…”

   ‘He’ must be Adam.

   “It was so scary down there, I was starving, me and Mally were half dead and there were those voices and…”

   “Eilla, sweetie, what are you talking about?” asks Mum gently, sounding really worried.

   “Chislehurst Caves. Everyone left us down there, there was me, Mally and Adam. I guess it was Adam who called you, right? But I was by the pool – in it, actually – so how did you know where to go?”

   Mum exchanges a worried look with a nurse. “Eilla, what are you talking about, darling? You never went to Chislehurst Caves. There was an accident, a car hit you…”

   I laugh lightly. “No, Mum, it wasn’t an accident, the car missed. And if you mean in the caves, the class left us on purpose, 3 of us. You can ask Mally.”

   “Miss Smythe, you’ve been asleep for 5 days. You were hit by a car on the way to school. The class did go to the caves as planned, but you were brought to hospital with a broken arm and in a coma. Of course, it’s only natural to have strange dreams when you’ve been injured, but you have to wake up now.”

   “But I had 3 days to leave, or I’d…be trapped…forever.”

   I get it. I was asleep. I had to get out of the dream, wake up, or I’d stay in a coma forever.

   Die.

15

“C’mon, it’s a celebration,” Dad says, rolling his eyes at me.

   “Yes, but I’m just saying, I wasn’t paranoid. I was being realistic. Isn’t Eilla getting hit proof enough?”

   “Yes, dearest,” Dad replies, catching my eye.

   I smile back weakly.

   “Shall we go on holiday this year?” I ask, trying to change the subject. Thinking of the accident makes me think of my dream, which gives me the shivers.

   “Yes, let’s!” agrees Mum.

   “Hmm. Well, it would certainly be nice, but these things cost money. And there’s planning to do. I suppose we could go but – “

   “If you think too much about something your mind will turn and twist into another opinion,” I say to him.

   He stares at me blankly for a few seconds. Then his face clears. “Alright. We’ll go on holiday, and leave everything last minute. It’ll be an adventure.”

   I sigh.

   If only they knew…

Dive In

Sometimes it's better not to think too much.

Just throw yourself over the edge.

Before you have time for any doubts,

Dive in, jump off the ledge.

Don't worry about what you don't have,

Or can't get anytime fast.

Don't worry about what'll always be there,

And what won't necessarily last.

If you think, your mind will twist into another opinion.

One you can never believe in.

And if you don't believe something, 

How are you supposed to win?

Just dive in.